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whitewater consciousness -- the journal fellow travellers itinerary meet your guide whitewater consciousness -- the website upstream upstream downstream downstream
oof - when you don't know what to do...
do the next thing
tashabear
tashabear
oof
So much to talk about.

Another couple of weeks have gone by, with their attendant frustrations and pleasures. My cold is getting better, though I'm still coughing like I have emphysema, just not as often. I got new glasses; jury's still out on whether they're the right prescription. My old prescription was apparently a little over clocked for my eyes, so now my eyes are having to really work to focus, and it's giving me headaches. (My mom's Auntie Sis never had a headache a day in her life, and she's 80-something. I wonder if she knows how very blessed she is.) On the other hand, they're very spiffy-looking.

I've been suffering from insomnia, too. The not-sleeping is the least of it, it's the effects that not-sleeping has on others in my life. I become such an awful bitch, I feel like people need to be protected from me. And this time, sleep-dep was combined with PMS. Lethal. I'm better now... I finally fell down.

I've been doing some studying lately, trying to work my way through a couple of books on Norse mythology and Teutonic magic. There is something very profound that is missing from my life, something spiritual. Going to church isn't going to cut it for me. I've never felt God in church. Well, I think I felt a divine presence at St. Peter's in Rome, but you'd have to be a stone not to. Whether it was God or the residual energies of the devout over the centuries, I cannot say, but it was beautiful. On the other hand, I experienced height-induced terror at the top of St. Peter's the likes of which I hope never to induce again.

Why Norse mythology and Teutonic magic? Wolfie's an Odinist. Even if this doesn't prove to be the path for me, I will have learned something about his faith. Personally, I think that's only fair. I've done a lot of readingabout different pagan paths, and to my mind, Asatru is the only one that honors the position of humans as top of the food chain. (I'm not sure if I mean that literally or not -- the food chain bit. When I figure it out, I'll say so.)

I also like the idea that one is expected to behave in an honorable manner simply because it's the right thing to do, not because of any karmic threat. People tell me that I'm brave and strong, but that's not true. Not to me. I'm a survivor, I endure. What I want is to triumph. It takes deep courage and conviction to do the hard things, though, and I've followed the path of least resistance so many times it's becoming well-worn.

Maybe this is right for me, maybe not. Only way to find out is to really examine it. And along the way, I get to do research. The library -- my own personal briar patch.

i feel: restless restless
i hear: Savatage - On the run

shoot the rapids