?

Log in

No account? Create an account
whitewater consciousness -- the journal fellow travellers itinerary meet your guide whitewater consciousness -- the website upstream upstream downstream downstream
motivation? nah... don't feel like it. - when you don't know what to do...
do the next thing
tashabear
tashabear
motivation? nah... don't feel like it.
My motivation is thoroughly gone. In its place is boredom, paranoia, and a pervasive feeling of being tired all the damn time.

I think my depression is coming back.

Or maybe I'm just getting short and I'm really looking forward to a break. Or maybe it's PMS; I don't know. Could be the boredom itself; I haven't had anything to do for over a week. But I've been distancing myself from people, and I'm always looking over my shoulder for something.

I just want to go home and get some real sleep. I want to wear nice shoes and go shopping for clothes -- I want to wear something that doesn't pull over my head and is some other color than brown (all I have that isn't uniforms is t-shirts). I want more than one pair of jeans in my drawer. I want a waitress to bring me a steak; I'm tired of eating off a tray. I want metal utensils, not plastic. I want to roll over and not hear the bed creak. I want to not hear anyone's else's bed creaking. I want to look up at a ceiling, not the roof of a tent. I want real plumbing, and pizza delivery, and Chinese food. I want to taste wind that doesn't taste of dust. I want to curl up on the bed with my husband and snacks and a six-pack of cider and watch Adult Swim. I'm tired of this.

If I was going to be here the full year, this would be a good time to be going on R&R. I'm about tired out, and so over the whole Army thing (at least for now). I haven't had more than a week off in almost a year and a half (I don't count the time I spent sitting around when I sprained my ankle or the week I was so sick it took me three hours to get the energy to get out of bed to get water for ramen). I'm tired of six day work weeks and rampant stupidity. I'm tired of walking every damn place, and not even having the option of just getting in the car and driving with the music too loud, screaming against the sound because if I don't my ears will bleed.

I've worked so hard to be positive and tried so damn hard to see the beauty in an ugly place, to make a home out of nothing, and it's shit. I haven't said much about the days I've been broken, shattered, patched together with will and hundred-mile-an-hour tape, because I didn't want people to worry, because there's no place here to cry, no place for crying in this life.

And yet... I'll be all right, mostly because I have no choice. For now, that's a good enough reason. Later, there will be a better one.

i feel: sad sad

18 trips or shoot the rapids
Comments
goingdriftless From: goingdriftless Date: January 21st, 2006 03:14 pm (UTC) (base camp)
There's really not a lot I can say. You're doing things that are pretty much unfathomable to me. But I do think of you often and totally admire your strentgh. Sending big DC hugs...
lucianus From: lucianus Date: January 21st, 2006 03:30 pm (UTC) (base camp)
I know it doen't help very much but please know that you're in Jehan's and my thoughts.

Luke
From: reasdream Date: January 21st, 2006 03:54 pm (UTC) (base camp)
*hugs* and cookies
jkrissw From: jkrissw Date: January 21st, 2006 03:55 pm (UTC) (base camp)
*hug*

One day, these experiences will be holding the attention of spell-bound listeners. Sorry you're going through so much unrelieved stress.
tashabear From: tashabear Date: January 22nd, 2006 06:13 am (UTC) (base camp)
Don't I wish. The really interesting stuff happened to other people, and the interesting stuff that happened to me is so job-specific that I'd lose the audience before I explained in great enough detail for them to get it.
baronessmartha From: baronessmartha Date: January 21st, 2006 04:19 pm (UTC) (base camp)
I am sorry is is such suck. I am thinking of you.
ladymorgaine From: ladymorgaine Date: January 21st, 2006 05:05 pm (UTC) (base camp)
(((tight hugs))) I don't know what to say other than that I would have broken a long time ago. I'm sure hearing how strong you are doesn't help much, because you deserve a chance to quit having to be so strong for a little bit. I'm hoping your remaining days over there fly by quickly!
alphaggek From: alphaggek Date: January 21st, 2006 05:15 pm (UTC) (base camp)
{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}

Collect those in person soon, ok?
From: kightp Date: January 21st, 2006 06:52 pm (UTC) (base camp)
Persevere, and hang on to all those better reasons. They're real.
palegreyminion From: palegreyminion Date: January 21st, 2006 07:39 pm (UTC) (base camp)
I wish I had something useful to say other than "hang in there, it's almost over", but that's the best I could come up with. Sorry.
tashabear From: tashabear Date: January 22nd, 2006 06:25 am (UTC) (base camp)
Nah, it's fine. Just needed to vent.

I am feeling cut off from what's happening with the reign and so forth, though, so if you could send me an email with a recap, that'd be swell.
From: nutter4 Date: January 21st, 2006 08:42 pm (UTC) (base camp)
What they said. Oh, and - 43 days.

Wish there was something I could do. *hugs*
emmacrew From: emmacrew Date: January 21st, 2006 11:34 pm (UTC) (base camp)
We love you and are so proud of you, honey. Hold yourself together a bit longer and come home safe.
booniesjen From: booniesjen Date: January 22nd, 2006 12:30 am (UTC) (base camp)
*REALLY STRONG BIG LONG HUG!*
You will come home to us soon!
technomage From: technomage Date: January 22nd, 2006 03:09 pm (UTC) (base camp)
You'll get what you wish. When you do, just be careful. The culture shock of the first few days back will be intense. I remember returning from 45 days in Greneda in the 80's to my wife and little apartment. Things were soft, the browns were so deep they hurt, my cat was alive. 25 years ago and its still vivid.
From: (Anonymous) Date: January 22nd, 2006 11:20 pm (UTC) (base camp)
Tasha, to express something so perfectly has to give us all hope. For what it's worth, know that you're loved and appreciated and if I could give you a safe place to think and be I would, but...

...you're strong, and you have a beautiful mind. *hug*
tashabear From: tashabear Date: January 24th, 2006 11:00 am (UTC) (base camp)
Thank you, that's very sweet of you to say.

Who are you?
was1 From: was1 Date: January 23rd, 2006 02:24 am (UTC) (base camp)
(*hug*) Hang in there Tasha. It's only a couple of months until your back state-side.
18 trips or shoot the rapids