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my past come back to haunt me - when you don't know what to do...
do the next thing
my past come back to haunt me
I skated this morning, only slightly aggravating the groin pull I gave myself yesterday, and my coach showed me something I never thought I'd ever see -- a program from a skating meet in Amesbury, MA, from 1982. I was able to find myself in it in at least four places, and I found my sister and all the other girls who skated with us at ROA Leominster. I can still see them in my mind, all of us teenagers, working our tails off because the field was so large that some of the events had two and three sections of around 20 skaters each, just for eliminations. We had to scratch hard just to make semis, never mind finals. I skated one singles event where I not only had to skate an elimination but a quarter- and semi-final! (Quarter-finals were unheard of -- in something like 7 years of competition I only skated a quarter-final once.)

Then Mary showed me the program for 2005 Regionals. Some events have only one competitor. Most have maybe six. Apparently the fields have narrowed so much that they're taking the top four regional placements to Nationals rather than the top three. I could compete and win and go to Nationals... but what would it mean? I suppose that I'd be competing against the best, but still, with such a small field I wonder if it would be the challenge I remember? At the same time, I can't let this hobby consume my life like it once did -- I just can't afford it.

Besides, I'm not physically strong enough yet to compete up to my own standards. When I think about the hours I used to put in at the rink (upwards of 15 hours a week), it blows my mind how strong my legs and core muscles must have been, just to hold up my free leg. (And yet I still sucked at running.) All that, and I'm so not wearing a skating dress yet. I haven't quite got up the nerve for that.

i feel: okay okay

shoot the rapids