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manifesto - when you don't know what to do... — LiveJournal
do the next thing
There is an old saw in the Army that says “if it ain’t raining, it ain’t training.” My whole take on it is that if it ain’t raining, I ain‘t getting cold and wet and sick, and neither is anyone else.

It’s raining today, pissing down fairly steadily, and the unit we’re training has to go out and establish forward bases today – setting up tents and defensive perimeters. It’s hard enough to set up an SCA camp in the rain. I can’t even imagine what they’re having to go through, with the super-heavy canvas and having to place concertina wire, among other things. It’s brutal, and all I can think is that I’m really glad I can go back to my hotel room at the end of the day and sleep in a clean, dry, soft (well, the hotel definition of soft) bed, have a hot shower, and eat food that doesn’t come out of a mermite can or an MRE packet.

Thoughts like that are really cementing for me the idea that this is not what I want to do any more. I no longer feel the need to test myself like this. I know where my strengths and weaknesses lie, and I’m not interested in being judged by these standards anymore. I need to let go of the idea that the Army is such a large part of my self and my self-image. It’s a thing I do. Sometimes I do it well. Sometimes I don’t. At the end of the day, it seems to be a thing I don’t want to do any more.

I wish I could hang on for five more years. I just don’t think that’s possible, nor do I think it’s a healthy idea anymore. I have other things I want to spend my time and energy on, things that don’t make me feel bad about myself or take me away from the family and friends that I love.

I’ve learned a lot, no doubt about it. Sometimes (often) you can learn much from negative examples, and I’ve gotten a lot of those over the past several months. I want to take those examples and remind myself to never ever be like those people. I never want to lead by fear or embarrassment. I never want to tell other people they aren’t doing enough when I’m not doing my part. I never want to be mean to people the way people have been mean to me (unless they really really deserve it). I don’t want people’s stomachs to knot up at the thought of talking to me.

Years ago, I declared that I was done being abused in my personal life, and it was a good thing. Now I’m declaring that I’m done being abused in my professional life. I’ve cut off parts of myself in order to fit into this box, and I’m sick of whittling. I’ve just recently started to like myself again, and if this continues, I might not, and that scares me and makes me angry.

In the end, I want to be useful and happy, and make my home a warm, comfortable place to be. I want my husband to be healthy and happy, I want to maybe have a kid who will grow up strong and smart and healthy inside and out, and I want my work environment to be a healthy place, not the toxic cesspool it feels like. And if it’s not, I will make it so. I’m tired of struggling. It’s time to step out on my own without the dubious shelter of this institution.

i feel: angry resolute

4 trips or shoot the rapids
nutter4 From: nutter4 Date: March 8th, 2008 10:10 pm (UTC) (base camp)
Years ago, I declared that I was done being abused in my personal life, and it was a good thing. Now I’m declaring that I’m done being abused in my professional life.

tashabear From: tashabear Date: March 8th, 2008 11:53 pm (UTC) (base camp)
I just wish that I could use the same approach: Take martial arts classes, and hit back. No one fucks with me twice.
sgt_majorette From: sgt_majorette Date: March 8th, 2008 11:03 pm (UTC) (base camp)

'Atta Girl!

The military is designed as a place for straight men to go to escape their womenfolk. As a female, once you've proven to yourself whatever you wanted to prove, you need to bail.

I'd say wait for a buyout, but that doesn't seem likely.

Edited at 2008-03-08 11:03 pm (UTC)
tashabear From: tashabear Date: March 8th, 2008 11:54 pm (UTC) (base camp)

Re: 'Atta Girl!

I always thought it was one big D/s scene with inept doms in charge.
4 trips or shoot the rapids